a loner in the crowd

I don't know what happened to me. I'm not sure when it happened or if it's always been this way. I've always considered myself to be a little different. But it has become totally apparent to me that I am all alone in my interests. All alone in my thoughts and opinions.

I attended a dinner with some girlfriends last weekend. It was nice, though we've been in contact since we were in junior high ( 18 years ago ), this was our first holiday get together. We had finger foods, a little to drink, some karaoke ( i didn't dare ) and a quick little gift exchange. It was nice.

It was during this dinner that I noticed my lack of kindred ship with these girls. Though I love them, though I'd hurt someone for them and though I'd feel empty without them in my life.... I know now that I do not fit in with them.

Here's me in a generic nutshell just to put it into perspective. I am an avid music buff BUT of a very diverse set of genres. I watch A LOT of television, I watch sports, I wear a lot of makeup, I shop a lot, I love animals and have reasonably green tendencies. I 'm extremely empathetic and have a knack for psychoanalyzing people and their actions.

Here's where life gets lonely. I love music, I'm sure everyone else loves music too but I F*ing LOVE music. At the Presidential Inauguration when I heard Diane Feinstein announce ItzakPearlman and Yo Yo Ma were going to play John Williams, I screamed and grabbed a tissue because I knew I was about to lose it. When I hear songs like "he ain't heavy" by the Hollies or "the miracle" by Queen. I can feel the dopamine travelling through my body. Which is all and good BUT I don't have any friends who feel the same about those songs.

More loneliness? Ok! So after dinner while we gather up our things and pack up some to go boxes ( or was that just me? ) we were discussing books. AGAIN I find no common interests there either. They are talking about books they've read and have suggested others also read... hook line and sinker another one is hooked and will also read that book or books by that author. I can't even get a book club together via craigslist to read my books with me. Locally that is, I do belong to a few fan clubs for my favorite authors.

Even my own husband is standing outside my bubble. He reads completely different books, he listens to entirely different music, he has such a different taste than I it's pathetic .

I remember one morning in Las Vegas, in the car with 2 girlfriends we were on our way to drop us off at the airport after a nice Vegas weekend. I was surprised to hear the 2 girls talking about their favorite NBA basketball players and teams. Then discussing rosters or certain seasons..... WTF? This was a total surprise, I never knew that they kept track of players from year to year. Nice but again sad to see that my friends are capable of the same activities as me, I am a big baseball fan and do keep track of ball players ( fantasy baseball leagues ) but as usual, we are watching different sports.

My sister is a big Twilight freak oops Twilight Fan. Understandably, it's cute and the main character in the movie is quiet fetching. What pisses me off is that my cousins have been hooked on it too. I've been sending my cousin Stephanie books for 2 years now and have yet to get even the slightest bit of feedback. Low and behold I see a Facebook Wall comment from Steph to my sis saying " just finished it and I love it! I'm gonna read it again! " Me being an empathetic person is now so sad for myself! The twist in the knife? My other cousin Marion, who hates school, dropped out of HS, hasn't read a thing since elementary school even read it. I thought to myself.... surely she 's talking about the movie...... NO She actually sat her ass down and read Twilight.

Now my husband wonders why I want to go on Craigslist and put out an ad for a new friend. Well of course he wonders, he's got a shit load of friends who are all interested in the same stuff. He's got a bus full of friends who share similar opinions, styles and hobbies.

What's a better solution, forget my own desires and go with the flow? Stick with the main stream of music and read whatever the NY Times tells us to read?

As I look through pictures of my life, it looks happy. There is laughter, food and friends. On the other hand, once that night out at the club or dinner has passed, there is scarcely a reason to communicate otherwise. I doubt anyone would want to go to the symphony with me, or to see a rock concert with me. And I don't mean go with me just to go with me, I mean want to go. And that's what this blog is about..... want what I want, like what I like. That's something we all need. In any shape or form, a little camaraderie is what we all desire.

oh my gosh... GET AWAY!

Warning

This post contains rude, racist and stereotype material.  This post is intended for callus, opinionated and like-minded bigots.  

Have you ever entered a public restroom and seen a hand written sign that reads " please no flush paper in toilet"?  Well isn't it always a CERTAIN type of restaurant?  I'm gonna tip toe around what i'm trying to say here.... but you know what I mean..... mm hmmm yeah.

Well have you ever walked past a family in a store and wondered why in the hell are they yelling at each other, then realized that's just how loud there are?  Isn't it usually a certain nationality of people?  The same nationality of the restaurant aforementioned?  mmm hmmm

Now, do you find that those people usually smell like fart?  I do.  

I mean geez... how nasty is it to use the potty and see a garbage can full of other people's toilet paper?  Are you f*ing serious?  

Let me stop here before I say too much.... 

mm hmmm.  You know what I'm talkin about.  

This is the year i've been waiting for....

I remember sometime in my early teens literally praying to the Lord for an ass.  Yes no need to read that again... i laid in bed at night saying my Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be... then thank him for this and that.. then ask for this or that.... One of those thats was .......... ahem....  a nice ass. I was one of those this girls who didn't need a bra, could wear running shorts as basketball shorts... I had no body!  No tits, no hips, no calves ( still don't have calves )... I was feeling pretty whack, i didn't have the digs, I didn't have the nice Latina ass all the girls at our predominantly latino junior high had. 

Boy was the lord good to me.... and then some.... I'm now making it my goal this year to undo his graciousness.  Maybe he has a different idea than I of a nice ass but this is a bit much Lord. Please don't get me wrong, I am thankful.  I do see your power and I am in awe of your capabilities,  but I'm a walking garbage disposal in MAC makeup.  I am an animal loving meat eater.  I am a peace lover with anger issues.  I am a germaphobe who doesn't mind eating certain types of dirt.  I know what I like, I certainly know what I don't like but I am sure of this..... I want a smaller ass now.  I'll probably work it into my talks with the man upstairs again.  If he isn't fed up with me.... I did keep my last promise to him.... No Smoking for moi!  

Let's get to the point don't we?

RESOLUTIONS for 2009 ( my best year ever)

1.  Lose 30 pounds

2   Save 20 Grand

That's it.  Fuck baby steps, i'm 30 fucking years old.  My mom had 4 babies by now.... i'm not a spring chicken... I want money and to feel good.  2009, you better be with me of get fuck out of my way because whether I have 30 more years to live or 5.... i'm gonna have what I want.  

This may sound presumptuous and crass but I have everything else... my dog, my hubby, my friends, my Itunes and my truck.  I just can't fit into my clothes.  Is it so wrong to make this the year I get what I deserve.  Well unless I stop eating in the middle of the night and watching TV till the early morning i don't REALLY deserve a great bod but I'll add that to list in an addendum but to keep it easy i'll concentrate on those 2 main objectives.  

Don't spend and don't eat.