Wednesday, January 21, 2009

a loner in the crowd

I don't know what happened to me. I'm not sure when it happened or if it's always been this way. I've always considered myself to be a little different. But it has become totally apparent to me that I am all alone in my interests. All alone in my thoughts and opinions.

I attended a dinner with some girlfriends last weekend. It was nice, though we've been in contact since we were in junior high ( 18 years ago ), this was our first holiday get together. We had finger foods, a little to drink, some karaoke ( i didn't dare ) and a quick little gift exchange. It was nice.

It was during this dinner that I noticed my lack of kindred ship with these girls. Though I love them, though I'd hurt someone for them and though I'd feel empty without them in my life.... I know now that I do not fit in with them.

Here's me in a generic nutshell just to put it into perspective. I am an avid music buff BUT of a very diverse set of genres. I watch A LOT of television, I watch sports, I wear a lot of makeup, I shop a lot, I love animals and have reasonably green tendencies. I 'm extremely empathetic and have a knack for psychoanalyzing people and their actions.

Here's where life gets lonely. I love music, I'm sure everyone else loves music too but I F*ing LOVE music. At the Presidential Inauguration when I heard Diane Feinstein announce ItzakPearlman and Yo Yo Ma were going to play John Williams, I screamed and grabbed a tissue because I knew I was about to lose it. When I hear songs like "he ain't heavy" by the Hollies or "the miracle" by Queen. I can feel the dopamine travelling through my body. Which is all and good BUT I don't have any friends who feel the same about those songs.

More loneliness? Ok! So after dinner while we gather up our things and pack up some to go boxes ( or was that just me? ) we were discussing books. AGAIN I find no common interests there either. They are talking about books they've read and have suggested others also read... hook line and sinker another one is hooked and will also read that book or books by that author. I can't even get a book club together via craigslist to read my books with me. Locally that is, I do belong to a few fan clubs for my favorite authors.

Even my own husband is standing outside my bubble. He reads completely different books, he listens to entirely different music, he has such a different taste than I it's pathetic .

I remember one morning in Las Vegas, in the car with 2 girlfriends we were on our way to drop us off at the airport after a nice Vegas weekend. I was surprised to hear the 2 girls talking about their favorite NBA basketball players and teams. Then discussing rosters or certain seasons..... WTF? This was a total surprise, I never knew that they kept track of players from year to year. Nice but again sad to see that my friends are capable of the same activities as me, I am a big baseball fan and do keep track of ball players ( fantasy baseball leagues ) but as usual, we are watching different sports.

My sister is a big Twilight freak oops Twilight Fan. Understandably, it's cute and the main character in the movie is quiet fetching. What pisses me off is that my cousins have been hooked on it too. I've been sending my cousin Stephanie books for 2 years now and have yet to get even the slightest bit of feedback. Low and behold I see a Facebook Wall comment from Steph to my sis saying " just finished it and I love it! I'm gonna read it again! " Me being an empathetic person is now so sad for myself! The twist in the knife? My other cousin Marion, who hates school, dropped out of HS, hasn't read a thing since elementary school even read it. I thought to myself.... surely she 's talking about the movie...... NO She actually sat her ass down and read Twilight.

Now my husband wonders why I want to go on Craigslist and put out an ad for a new friend. Well of course he wonders, he's got a shit load of friends who are all interested in the same stuff. He's got a bus full of friends who share similar opinions, styles and hobbies.

What's a better solution, forget my own desires and go with the flow? Stick with the main stream of music and read whatever the NY Times tells us to read?

As I look through pictures of my life, it looks happy. There is laughter, food and friends. On the other hand, once that night out at the club or dinner has passed, there is scarcely a reason to communicate otherwise. I doubt anyone would want to go to the symphony with me, or to see a rock concert with me. And I don't mean go with me just to go with me, I mean want to go. And that's what this blog is about..... want what I want, like what I like. That's something we all need. In any shape or form, a little camaraderie is what we all desire.


Anne said...

I think you just have to dig a little deeper sometimes. However, I've always appreciated your uniqueness. The ability to stay true to who you are and what things you like/choose to do are admirable qualities. Stay you. :)

share-bare said...

You're not alone. One time I felt bad for my friends. It was my 22nd Birthday dinner. I invited them to Yoshi's @ Jack London Square for a night of Japanese food and a live jazz performance. I forget the artist. But, while I was enjoying the show...I turned their way and saw them yawning and dozing off. I felt so bad because they paid like a $40 cover.

Everyone is different in their own ways. Appreciate your individuality and NEVER let go of it!

Valerie said...

why does my heart actually ache after reading that??

i hate that you feel lonely in your interests.. before i read your blog tonight i was just thinking to myself if you had any book recommendations because i'm obviously not getting caught up in other vampire books i'm trying to read.. jd is slightly peeved that it's taking me so long to read a 300 pg book. i'm just not into right now.. gimme a book.. i need a different genre for now.. the twilight craze will start up again in a few months.. i need some downtime...

although, i do really love that you're all your own. you have a style and thought process completely different from anyone i've ever known. and i look up to you for that. unfortunately, i think i've fallen into the sheep mentality a little more often that i'd like to admit.. is it weird that i look to you for a taste of individuality..

and excuse me... i LOVE the symphony!! it's linkin park that i have to try and wrap my head around. :P

i love you for the person you are.. i mean.. who else calls their own mother a ho? i love that we do that.. it's our own little thing... but seriously.. you are great how you are. i know you won't change.. so i won't even waste time telling to stay how you are.